Obizzle writes: Money Magnet


                “Guy where you dey na, I don dey wait for you na” I yelled on the phone,I wasn’t in a good mood and you could tell from the tone of my voice.I was talking to Bryan on the phone that afternoon.We were headed back to school after the long holiday and I had mixed feelings about going back to school.Though,I lived like a king at home with everything at my disposal,I was happy I was soon gonna meet my goons in school and do the bad things we usually do,I was also happy that finally I was getting a change of environment as my daily home routine of “eat-sleep-watch T.V” almost bore me to death,but I knew doom was lurking – days of agonizing lectures,the hustle and bustle in Futa,tendencies of feeling home-sick and last but not least “the scorching Akure sun” – speaking of Sun,the sun was at its best today,showing off to only God knows who “Dear Sun,you’re the hottest thing in the universe,stop showing off!!” I thought to myself.

              The scent of harmattan was in the air as it was the month of November.I could feel balls of sweet roll down my legs as the sun refused to behave itself. Inside the scorching heat I felt like a living barbecue and coupled with the fact that Bryan wasn’t here,I had every right to be vexed. “Guy where you dey na!!!,I don dey park o” I yelled “I dey come,I dey Yaba side,I go soon reach,abeg no vex” he replied as I hissed and hung up. This dude told me he was at yaba 30 mins ago! Smh I proceeded to where they were loading passengers struggling with my luggage (my box and school bag) behind me.The park was really busy today as many school just resumed,I could notice students traveling to various places all tied and vigilant to their luggages,Obviously nobody was in a good mood,everybody just dey bone. “Oga,earpiece for sale” a vendor asked me. I didn’t even bother looking at him as the only thing on my mind was getting this heavy luggage close to the bus that was loading. “Oga,you no go buy earpiece??” He said again. This wasn’t just the right time!!!! “Na free???!!!!” I replied in a high-pitched tone,he hissed and walked away cursing as he left. I knew nothing good could come out from buying an earpiece from a park,I mean! Original ear piece is hard to come by in Lagos and buying from a park tout didn’t sound like a good idea to me.So I felt I had made the right the decision.

             Getting to the bus,I picked a comfortable seat and took a quick glance at my fellow passengers.No one caught my fancy as I filled the bus form and paid my fare. A call came in from Bryan,”howfar,where you dey??” “I dey the park now” “oya hurry up so we go sit together” I reserved a space behind me for Bryan as he came apologising for any inconveniences he had caused. He’s my Ni*g*,I wouldn’t hold it against him,I’ve done worse. I turned 180 degrees to face Bryan taking a quick glance at him,noticing he had changed a lot in appearance “Guy, you don chop your mama food,see as you don fat” he smiled as we chatted about how we spent our holiday. There was a lot to talk about!!! And we got talking,not minding that we weren’t alone on the bus. Who cares??? After few minutes,our driver appeared and ignited the engine. I started having butterflies in my tommy knowing I was headed for doom.The look on Bryan’s face showed he wasn’t happy either even though he tried so hard to conceal it. There was a short prayer on the bus by an elderly woman as our bus left the park bidding farewell to Lagos. I bowed my head and prayed for journey mercies. Time was 12:33pm! En route Akure!!!!!


                  I have Kinetophobia. Which is the fear of being on a moving bus. I usually have Vertigo each time I traveled by bus.I threw up on the bus cuz of the smell of fuel.sometimes,I popped pills and literally slept throughout the journey (sleep in Lagos,wake up in akure) that way I won’t have to endure the torture of Vertigo. Mehn,traveling with me is boring cuz I won’t talk at all for the fear of throwing up.So usually,I’ll be all quiet sipping on Sprite or any drink with gas to prevent my throwing up. I was my usual boring and quiet self on the bus,eyes closed but slightly conscious of my environment. The driver was almost bursting his speedometer as Saheed Osupa’s music blared from the speakers. Osupa’s music intoxicates drivers faster than weed,I thought to myself. “E rora oga driver” an elderly woman from the back seat sparked in exasperation. The driver paying a deaf ear was unmoved and continued firing. All efforts to calm him down proved futile. This was Fast and Furious 8!!! I could hear Bryan behind me conversing with someone and my amebo nature won’t let me.So I turned and noticed Bryan talking to this girl! Ehn? I didn’t know she was there all this while ooo!! Aah Bryan sharp guy! They were so deep in their conversation,they didn’t notice I was staring. I couldn’t see much of the girl’s face as she used part of her weavon to cover her left eye like she was Indian,the other part of her face looked nice but few fiestas of pimples were visible,she had a small stature and her boobs were just about the size of futa bread. Bryan kept his left hand across and at the back of her head – from all indications they were into each other – Enough of the amebo,I thought to myself as I faced the driver who was so engrossed with Osupa they could kidnap us without him knowing.

             Our journey was smooth,no traffic jams whatsoever and we got to akure at exactly 3:15 pm. Our bus was really fast thanks to Osupa! I alighted from the bus stretching my tall frame till I heard cracking sounds from my joints “thank you jesus” I mumbled.At this point Bryan was still so into his newly found chic he cared less of my existence,stupid boy! I saw them exchange contacts as they separated. “Obi how far na?” He turned to me and said “Ehn abeg,save am,you don remember Obi abi?” I replied in jealousy,we both laughed as we hurried with our load to get a cab to Futa. Her name was Morenike and she was a 300 Level student like us,I could swear that I hadn’t seen that face before!!! Bryan was smiling like one fool now cuz of his new catch and I was steaming with jealousy!!!!


                    Two weeks after resumption,lecture proper had started and my once fresh and cool skin had begun to wrinkle. Fuck Mercury,Akure is the closest to the sun!!!! Akure’s sun,there is none like you!!! You’re the real MVP! My sunscreen had finished and getting another seemed like an uphill task. Bryan (also my roommate) was still into Morenike and this only triggered more hate from me,usually when she visited I had to excuse them and hang outside till she left. Aarrgh that shit can be annoying!! I needed a bae asap!!! Sometimes I’ll be forming “Single and Free” like one bad guy but it gets boring and I knew I really needed a Bae!!! Bryan and I aren’t the wealthiest,just normal hustling boys trynna make ends meet.We both had one thing in common,first sons of our respective families with a whole load of responsibilities ahead of us!!

                 Mehn,the thought of my responsibilities scares me a lot and my dad doesn’t help issues at all,he will call my phone first thing in the morning just to remind me that I’m the first Son and the heir to his merchandise. He even nicknamed me. “The Arrow Head” (he says without the head,the arrow has no bearing) my sisters use this to mock me all the time!!!!!****** bryan had this problem,he was a spend-drift,he had little resources but blew them away at the snap of his fingers. Me on the other hand,was a little more conservative when it comes to funds,I guess this was why Morenike was sticking around Bryan,reaping where she didn’t sow!!!! She was everywhere around Bryan like lice to a cow. I could tell Bryan was broke at this moment,his shirts no longer fit and he needed a belt for his boxers.My Ni*g* was finished!!!! He was dead broke and was still spending on Morenike!!who does that??? Morenike increased in size and her once invisible ass became visible, she wore flashy clothes while Bryan looked like Oliver Twist. All attempts to discourage him from following Morenike fell on deaf ears as he was hell-bent on this babe. According to him, they were dating and were so deeply in love,he even argued that Morenike could die for him! Chai!! This must be Jazz!!! Now he was feeding on my foodstuffs and money!!! Something had to be done or else someone’s corpse will be deposited at the morgue soon!!!!!!!!


               Being my normal inquisitive self,I decided to do some research on Morenike,I had pending assignments to attend to but my amebor nature was on fleek. I’m too inquisitive!! My number one hobby still remains reading “do you know” facts – I like to know everything!!! my inquisitiveness often got me in trouble and trouble being my middle-name,I was never deterred !*** I began asking questions about Morenike from friends around on behalf of my half-dead friend Bryan. From all infos I was getting,Morenike was a Money magnet!!! If you have the money to spend,she go love you die!!! If you’re broke,OYO is your case! She will perch on you like a bee on a flower in search of nectar,put a straw in your pocket and suck it dry!!! Still not convinced,I met with one of her previous “magas” According to the guy,Morenike drained and dumped him.He said She could smell money from a mile away. Chei! Girls sha! I could only feel pity for Bryan at this moment. Why are girls so evil??? Don’t they have conscience??? Can’t you see he’s a student???? Are you an Orphan??? Doesn’t Morenike have Parents to send her money for upkeep????

                 All these jamb questions lingered in my head as I passed the bank area towards where I wanted to board a campus shuttle. Only for me to remember that I had used my last 20 naira to buy purewater for myself and a friend! Chei! Na wa o!! Shingbain no dey my pocket! I was weighing my options on whether I should trek via MALU road (MALU road is the shortest route connecting south gate to north gate,its short but livestock are being kept there,the place stinks of livestock dung,so passing there can make you fat in just seconds) or I should just chill and do “Oba-kekere sir”..I opted for “Obakekere sir” which is an act broke guys do by flagging down private owned vehicles headed towards Obakekere for a lift. In English its called “hitch-hiking” and most futarians are guilty of this. The funny thing is 90% of private vehicle owners won’t stop – they just ignore a and speed off like its no one’s business- smh!!***** I had stood there for over 30 mins now,nobody send me!!! Na wa o!! I go still make am one day sha! Me sef go buy Range Rover! I thought to my self. Suddenly,a white Sienna jeep stopped right in front of me and offered a lift!! I was delighted!!!! I speedily jumped into the vehicle before it even came to a halt and before the driver changed his mind…” Thank you sir,Thank you sir,I appreci..” I was cut short when I noticed the person sitting next to the driver’s seat!! Oh My God I couldn’t believe my eyes! Wait!! What!! How? Why? When? My mouth was still agape like I had seen a ghost.


                It was Morenike!! The witch!!! Obviously this was her new maga! Aaah this guy don enter one chance. Falz’s “Karishika” played from the speaker,what an irony!! Karishika is sitting right next to you and you can’t see it brutha!!!!!! I rapped along with Falz and where he said “Oluwa abegi shine your light,make I no go jam the ones wey dey fly for night” I made sure I was audible enough for Morenike to hear! Witch! She turned back eyeing me with that up and down eye gesture girls do. Me sef. Eye am back! Olosho! This girl has no iota of shame oh! No tad of remorse!! Inyama!!! The A.C in the car was so on-fleek I almost slept off. Trying to keep my eyelids open I could notice Morenike and the guy kissing right in front of me! Abasha!!! “Bros,I’ll alight here” I cut I opened the door and left without showing appreciation.I sighed in exasperation and quickened my heels to get home to inform Bryan what I saw. Hmmm Bryan must hear this! I got home,not meeting Bryan,I checked a trouser I wore the previous day and found #200.I was hungry as fuck right now and Iya Shina’s egusi was the only thing I could think of. I helped my self to 3 wraps of fufu and one meat,eating hungrily like a soldier who just came back from war.

           On getting back home and I met Bryan and Morenike all cuddled up on the bed. And I walked in staring at them in disgust.Now wasn’t the right time to burst the news to Bryan so I just calmed down. I noticed something was cooking and I knew for sure Bryan never cooks “Awfa,Bryan. Na you dey cook??” “No oh,Morenike has offered to cook beans for us” he retorted***ehn??? This girl can poison us oh!! I said inside me. “OK na” .****Morenike was trying as much as possible not to make eye contacts with me,witch!!! Na today your bubble go burst! Olosho! When the food was ready, she dished it out,seeing how uninviting the food was I laughed uncontrollably. Morenike was the worst cook ever! The beans looked like sacrifice and she flooded it with water. It was half done and strong like palm kernel. I took one spoon and I discovered she cooked salt and added beans! Lmao just one spoon slapped my cheeks left,right and centre. To cut the story short.The food ended in the waste bin! Foodstuff that we didn’t have!! This girl na enemy of progress! Dem send am!! The funny thing was that Bryan saw nothing bad in what she did and I heard him whisper to her saying “Baby let’s go to Savour” mogbe!!! For four years I’ve known Bryan he had never eaten outside talk more of Savour!! I doubt even if he knows where its located. Now he wants to take this hippo-looking creature to savour!! No I won’t let this happen!!! No! I quickly picked a shirt and said “I’m hungry too,I’m following You”*** Morenike looked at me in awe not sure she heard the exact words that came out of my mouth “What did you say?” She asked looking at me as I struggled putting my T-shirt past my large head***”I said,I’m coming with you guys,abi your ear dey pain you?”***Bryan thought for a moment and said “Fine,let’s go”. Yesssssss!!! We’re going to savour!!! Me sef wan chop out of national cake!!! Morenike had made me change my general perception on girls,I became this nonchalant,cold-hearted brutha!! Not what I envisaged but These bit**es aint loyal.


             Now we were headed to savour (Bryan,morenike ‘the witch’ and Myself),they walked hand in hand as I walked further ahead of them,awwwn lovebirds! Passers by will be thinking,if only they knew,if only! This nigga was about to do the unthinkable! I looked behind me and made a gesture for them to walk faster “We aint got all day!! ” I yelled as Morenike sticked out a middle finger at me.I responded by flipping the bird in return. I hated this girl and she wasn’t a fan of Obinna either,Perfect!! As she clinched to my nigga Bryan,I could only wish she got run over by a truck,I loved my nigga! (No homo) and no bitch is coming between us..we both had this slogan “Bros over Hoes”**Suddenly,an idea struck me! I got my phone out and msgd Bryan on whatsapp messenger hoping he will take a second to see my msg, “bro sup!” After sometime,he coincidentally picked his phone and replied my msg, “I dey,wagwan?” I started telling him about the event that unfolded early that day,about Morenike and the guy with the jeep! I spewed a long essay hoping Bryan will reason with me for once! After reading what I wrote he replied with “I know what I’m doing,It ends today” hehehehehe a wide grin appeared on my face as I smiled ear to ear. I liked the sound of that! Hopefully,it will end today! We got to savour and met a crowd,there were very few seats available,Bryan took a seat with Morenike while I took a seat in one corner like a loner in need of free food. We hadn’t been there up to 10seconds before Morenike started ordering! Kai! This babe na puma oh! She can beh !!! She ordered a plate of Rice which cost #400 and Bryan did likewise. I watched as they ate and gisted,obviously Morenike was just there for free food as she laughed to Bryan’s boring jokes. Fucking gold-digger!!!***Iya Shina’s wraps of fufu were still present in my belly so I was just sipping water. I must watch this film to the end!! *spreads mat****

                     Morenike ordered two extra plates of rice with 3 turkeys with one Smoov not even bothering if Bryan had the money to pay for it!! Does this girl even have conscience???? Bryan just smiled and played along,to my greatest amazement. Ni**a better know what he’s doing! Cuz I already had my side-eye on the exit door incase anything happens! Mehn,I can’t wash plate. When the bill was served, the total bill was #3500!!! Like wtf!!! Bryan ate food worth#500 and morenike ate #3k! That’s like my pocket money! She ate my pocket money in less than 20 minutes!!!! The thunder wey go fire this girl still dey receive instructions from Amadioha!!! Bryan brought out a #500 note and handed it over to the waitress,I could see Morenike feeling uncomfortable now. The waitress turned to her saying “Madam,you never pay for your food” .Still struggling with chicken in her mouth she pointed to Bryan “He will pay for it”.Bryan looked behind him like if he wasn’t the one she was pointing to “Who? Me? You must be mistaken” as he stood up wiping his mouth with a serviette about leaving.I stood up and approached the exit with so much happiness. My joy knew no bounds seeing Morenike ‘the witch’ stranded!! ” You can deposit your phone pending when you have #3k to pay,you slefish ingrate” Bryan barked “Aaaah don’t do this to me baby” “shut up! Don’t ever call me baby! Whatever was between us is over! Period” bryan retorted as we stormed out.By then we had created a scene and everyone was watching. I took the duty of narrating how promiscous Morenike was and how much a gold-digger she is. “Madam,hope say you sabi wash plate,cuz you go wash plate till you pay your debt” the waiter added. By then she was crying her eyeballs out and buried her head in shame. We bolted out of Savour fulfilled like we just got free off shackles on our feet. Never to hear from Morenike again. I was so glad Bryan was back to his normal self. I pray nig**s learn from Bryan.

Thanks for reading

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